Last year was anything but fun. Sure there were some really fun moments, but even those moments were clouded with the darkness that 2012 started out with.
I have fought depression for a very long time. It always sits in the back of my mind, I know I could fall back into that place, but I allow it to because it is a reminder of where I spent so much of my time and where I don't want to be.
Last January the year started with me in a depressed state of mind. I was in denial, that's for sure and by April 2012 I had officially hit rock bottom.
In a span of 4 months my life had been thrown in the air, turned upside down and hit the ground shattering into a million tiny pieces. It seemed like every week some uncontrollable horrible news was headed my way. I hated when the phone rang.
In 4 months, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my cousin was murdered, my husband lost his job and we were losing our house. I completely shut down, my soul felt completely shattered.
I remember at one point time seemed to just go way to fast, I was having actually panic attacks because I couldn't catch my breath, time just kept moving and in my head the more time that passed the more bad news that would come.
In desperation, I went on anti-depressants/anxiety pills...only instead of helping it made things MUCH worse. Rock bottom there I was.
I wrote a lot, I was mad a lot...I slept A LOT and I drowned out the world any way I could. I was only going through the motions of life because I had no choice, life didn't have a "Pause so I can catch my breath" button.
I was begging for 2012 to be over 4 months into it.
June came and something happened. I dove head first back into my FB page. I pulled at my gifts and my spiritual side. I begged my guides to guide me, to help me, because at that point everything was scary. I promised to listen and I did.
I met some amazing people, one of them who truly is my soul sister, Angela. She helped me hold on to who I really am, she helped me see things from the point of view I NEEDED to see things. For once, there was a spark to life again.
Trust me when I say 2012 didn't get better in the "bad news" department,as a matter of fact we received some just days before we got to say goodbye to the dreaded 2012 but the way I handled it and the ability to find myself allowed me to stay whole and not shatter.
Although I know that 2013 won't make 2012 non-existent. Everything that happened, still happened and will in fact trickle in to 2013, but I can see things clearly. I am whole again. I am no longer hiding who I truly am. I discovered that denying who I was kept me in a state of depression that was years long. I am not afraid.
I refer to that time frame as my "dark place", the place I never wish to return. A place of fears, anxiety and lessons. A place that helps me when I teach, learn and move forward with life.
I can honestly say, I hit rock bottom and it didn't stop me from living.
